We spend so much time putting together the perfect outfit for the pefect event. We devote hours of our lives shopping for even the most simplest of items. We run out to buy the perfect pair of shoes for a dress that makes us feel beautiful. Why would we waste all our hardwork on some of the most common fashion faux pas? It beats the hell outta me!
You may think '"how can one thing ruin a whole outfit?" Well, it can and I see it on a daily basis. It's just a shame. I feel bad for the outfit really.
If you or any of your friends have an issue with the following, please contact me immediately:
1. Muffin Top: We are all familiar with this terrible monster but yet, I see the streets crawling with people not knowing their waist size. How are they comfortable? Don't they feel the waistband cutting into their midsection and the overflow bounce when they walk? Perhaps these people have mirrors that only go to their chest, or perhaps they have full-length mirrors and have just given up in life. I imagine they see the muffin top, sigh, and say to themselves "well, I guess this is good as it's going to get." To those people I say two things: "NO IT'S NOT" and "PLEASE GET A BIGGER SIZE!" If you button your pants and there is an overhang (even after you do the obligatory right-out-of-the-dryer squat), take them off and get a bigger size. There is no shame in going up a size, well I guess there is a little bit, I mean who are we kidding? No one wants to go up a size. However, there is more shame walking around with a spare tire flopping around your waist. We can't see what size your pants are but we can sure see that MUFFIN TOP. Either size up or stay in.
This can also happen with your underwear. See list item 3 (VBL).
2. Mini-muffins: Mini-muffins you say? What are mini-muffins? Well my friends, I coined this description when I was in junior high and the counselor apparently didn't know her bra size and would insist on wearing fitted turtlenecks. So, mini-muffins are the boob bubbles that pop over the top of your bra cups. When you walk into a room dressed to the nines, you don't want people wondering if you are a freak of nature with four tatas. Word to the wise: don't let your cups runneth over!
3. Visible panty lines (VPL): Under no circumstances should the general public know what type of undergarments you choose to wear on any given day. They have so many slimmers, shapers, and sucker uppers that there is no excuse for a g-string outline or a whale tail coming out of the back of your pants. Now what I'm about to say is risky because there are a lot of classless people out there, however, I'm trusting YOU won't let me down. Should you find yourself in a quandry with no options at your disposal, I think it's better to go commando than showcase your undie lines. Please use common sense on this one. If you can see lumps and bumps, either pick out another outfit or haul ass to the nearest department store and get yourself some Spanx (or slaps as my good friend, Cindy calls them). Just be sure to avoid any Britney Spears moments and keep your legs closed when exiting vehicles!
4. Sausage-casing clothing: The Kardashians, specifically Kim and Khloe, are good examples of this tragedy. There is a fine line between fitted and sausage casing. Yes, you want to wear fitted over baggy, especially if you have curves, but don't take it to extremes and wear things that look like a straight jacket with arm holes. This will also help the abovementioned VPL. Give your body some breathing room, ladies!
5. Toes overboard: If you've read previous posts or know me at all, you know how much I LOVE shoes. One sure fire way to piss me off and ruin a good pair is to shove your feet into some shoes that don't quite fit leaving your toes hanging over the front. Not only does it gross me out, it makes you look like some sort of spider monkey clinging to dear life. If you have this problem, you probably have the muffin top issue as well because you are not aware of your size.
