About a month or so ago I hit up the Galleria Dillards to look for some Jessica Simpson jeggings (my fave). While I'm browsing the merch I notice this guy walking around with a woman. Nothing weird about that...yet. He's clearly on his lunch break as he is dressed in a power suit. He looks like he could have been a bouncer back in the day. He also looks like an ass because he's acting like he's Richard Gere from Pretty Woman. You know the scene where he takes Julia Roberts shopping and wants everyone to suck up to her? Richard was endearing and hot. Bouncer dude was just annoying. I wanted to ask him if he realized he was in the Dillard's Junior department looking at poly blend shirts and faux fur jackets, not Neiman Marcus picking out the latest Marc Jacobs pant suit. Regardless of his ass-like behavior, I was intrigued. I also noticed he was sporting a wedding ring.
Now on to the woman. She was in a valour track suit from 2003, fake tatas that were practically poking out the top of her shirt as if they were saying "hello!", lip injections, cheap hair exentions, great body, treating the guy and saleswoman like she couldn't be bothered to say 'thank you', but alas, NO WEDDING RING. Now, I know people can forget their rings at home but the way they were conversing wasn't couple like. It seemed more of an escort/client relationship, if you catch my drift. Also, the type of clothing she was picking out didn't really scream business, casual, or classy.
So, off I go to the fitting room because let's face it, I only have an hour and my purchases are more important than trying to figure out this situation...but only a smidge more important. However, much to my delight, the gossip gods shined down upon me and I hear Bouncer Dude and Stripper Skank walk into the fitting room area as well. I freeze like a opossum who is playing dead so as not to miss anything. I hear Skank tell Bouncer he can't go in the room with her (thank gaw b/c who knows what I would have heard if that had happened). He sees a chair and says "oh, they have a boyfriend chair" and immediately she says "boyfriend?!" but not in a oh-i'm-so-happy-he-thinks-we-are-boyfriend-and-girlfriend way, it was more of a puh-lease-I-don't-THINK-so way, to which he chuckled and said "I'm sorry, mistress."
Meanwhile, I'm sitting in my own chair in my room just soaking all this in. Some might say it's stalkerish, but really it's just like watching a reality show in person, and we are all guilty of watching some sort of trash TV. Only I wasn't watching, I was listening...closely. It was like a train wreck that you just couldn't leave b/c who knows what horrific mess might come out of this! There was a lot of "is this tight enough?", "that looks so sexy on you", "did you want me to go get that dress you liked?", "mmm I like that." At this point, I felt like I was the repairman in a weird porn flick so I had to get the hell out of there.
I couldn't even make eye contact with Bouncer Dude when I was walking out.
I took my jeggings to the counter where the salesgirls were also talking about the dressing room duo. They were both giggling and one turned to the other and said "he's married and that ain't his wife!" I jumped aboard this gossip train and was like "OMG, you heard that too?! I was in the fitting room for 15 minutes and only had two pairs of pants to try on!" We giggled like junior high school girls, I gathered my bag and reciept, and left with yet another interesting story to add to the vault.
Moral of the story: When it comes to fitting rooms, there are worse things to worry about than bad lighting and double-sided mirrors. You too could find yourself in the middle of a skank-filled mess of a lunch hour.
Love and shoes,
Kim
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